Manoj Nayak

Excerpt from:
Risque Goan Jokes (pp 170, Rs. 290/- softcover)
Compiled and translated by Cecil Pinto
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Real Events Section
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At the Sunapranta Centre for the Arts, at Altinho in Panjim, a British
tourist couple were staring at a painting in the gallery that had them
completely confused.

The painting depicted three very dark men totally naked sitting on a
park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a light brown penis. The curator of the gallery realized
that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered
her assessment.

She went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact,' she pointed out, 'some serious critics believe
that the light penis also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in a soco-cultural construct that is
largely anthropocentric.'

After the curator left a Goan man approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I’m the guy who painted it', Theodore replied, introducing himself.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three
Goans who work in the mines. The guy in the middle went home for
lunch.'



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Homosexuality: The straight truth
What do we tell our children?

By Cecil Pinto


“Dada, what is a gay?”

Here we were watching Barkha Dutt on NDTV’s “We the People”. Beatrice,
Desmond, Fabian and myself. Well actually Fabian was solving jigsaw
puzzles on the floor and Desmond was drawing made-up superheros with
special powers. But he also had one ear on the TV so he could resume
his cartoons after our watching ended. In fact it was he who while
flipping channels had called out to me, “Dada, your friend Wendell is
on TV”.

What else is new? Ever since this amendment to Section 377 has been on
the news you see Wendell everywhere giving sound bytes. Barkha had
assembled together an interesting panel and my wife and I were
watching the debate very keenly till Desmond dropped his bombshell
question.

While I was gathering my thoughts on how to answer, Beatrice was
making her special ‘eyes’ at me, accompanied by lip and wrist signals
that clearly signified that I was not to enter this dangerous
territory. Should I discuss topics of an adult nature with a nine year
old? Should I attempt explaining things to him that I myself have
issues dealing with? Should we even have let Desmond be present when a
topic such as this was being discussed on TV? Should I let Nikhil be
his guru in these matters?

Nikhil is Desmond’s Catechism classmate, the eldest in the class by
far. I have never seen his father, who I suspect has run away from
Nikhil’s fighter-cock protective mother. Anyway this Nikhil is the
type who takes it upon himself to educate all the other boys on adult
matters - including sex. He even uses the f-word quite liberally and I
figure that a few years from now will be bringing pornographic
pictures to school to further the education of his peers. Every
classroom has one such sex educator who attempts to corrupt the
others.

In my days, in my classroom, it was Menino. He would enthrall us with
the most graphic descriptions of adult bodies and their functions.
When pictures cut out from hardcore porn magazines didn’t suffice to
shock us Menino would use blackboard and chalk to illustrate acts
purportedly committed by our teachers. Herman Sir and Miss Jyothi were
rumored to have a romance going and hence were the most common
performers on Menino’s blackboard. Occasionally small cardboard
cutouts would accompany some of Menino’s perverted explanations.

So despite Beatrice’s unspoken admonition I decided to enter the risky
waters, if nothing else to make sure that Nikhil didn’t get the first
word in on gays.

“Happy!”, Beatrice beat me to the trigger, “Desmond, gay means happy”

“C’mon already!”, I pleaded.

“Yes, Mama, you can’t fool me. I know gay is something to do with the s-thing.”

Curse words attract a five rupees fine in our house and Desmond is
extra cautious of using any word that might even remotely attract a
penalty. A week earlier Nikhil had told him that sex was a very dirty
thing that only bad men and women did, and good people like his mother
and father never did. He wasn’t quite sure how it was done but would
be getting back to the class with more details. No wonder then that
his father left his mother. He wasn’t getting any as she considered it
dirty, and she had passed on that idea to her son. When Desmond
explained his concept of the s-word to us we let it ride. Let sex be
dirty for now. We could have the birds-and-bees talk with him in a
couple of years. But now this gay thing was all over the place.

“Ok Desmond, look at it this way. Mostly men fall in love with and
marry women right? Like say I loved your Mama and married her. Right?”

“Right Dada”

“Well some men love and marry men.”

“Men marrying men? Yeech!”

Now before you think Desmond is being judgmental, understand that he
is also at the age where girls are also “Yeech!”, as also are
earthworms and spinach.

“So Wendell is married to a man?”

“Sort of. Yes.”

“Who is his wife?”

“They don’t use words like husband and wife, because both are men.
They are equal partners in a relationship. Which in fact all marriages
should be. Wendell’s partner is Jerome.”

“That man who smokes cigars? That man who put on Jungle Book for us?”

Earlier this year I had taken the family for a lunchtime party at
Wendell’s house in Colvale. While we adults were drinking and
conversing the few kids present were getting quite bored. Seeing this
Jerome had taken them to a room with a large colour TV and put on a
Jungle Book DVD that kept them enthralled - and out of our hair.
Desmond always remembers this kind man who sensed how the kids needed
some entertainment.

“Yes, that is him, Jerome.”

“So gays are not bad people Dada?”

“Definitely not. There are good people and there are bad people. This
has nothing to do with if they are gay or straight.”

“Straight?”

“Straight means people who love and marry people of the opposite sex’

“Mama! Dada used the s-word. Five rupees fine. Tan-tan-dan!”

“No Desmond I used sex to mean gender. Anyway sex is not a bad word.”

“Can I become a gay Dada?”

“You can’t become one. You either are gay or are not.”

“Am I gay Dada?

“You will know only when you grow up Desmond.”

“Nikhil said that you have to come out of a cupboard or something, and…”

“Tell Nikhil and his bloody mother to get the frigging…”

“Tan-tan-dan, another five rupees”

“Cecil!”

“One day I will strangle that Nikhil and his mother”

“Cecil!!!”

“You two are fighting like the people on TV. Dada, why some of them
don’t like gays?”

“They are confused Desmond, and insecure about their own sexuality
too. And mostly they are bigots brainwashed by some religious
moralistic nonsense!”

“Cecil stop it. Enough is enough!”

“Dada, they didn’t teach us about gays in Moral Science period”

“They should!”

Beatrice interrupted, “Desmond you like the Ellen Degeneres show don’t you?”

Desmond, “Of course I like it!”

“Well did you know that Ellen is gay too?”

“No Mama. Ellen is not gay”

“Of course she is.”

“No she isn’t!”

“Yes she is!”

“No Mama she isn’t. She’s lesbian. Nikhil told me!”